Having an Abortion

It’s my freshman year of college.

The beginning of my second semester.

And I’m pregnant.

2 days late- “Maybe my body is adjusting to the change in my eating habits.”

4 days late- “Maybe I’m just stressed out.”

After a week of my period being a no-show I started to panic. I had one of my friends come with me to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. (SB: Why are pregnancy tests in Walmart locked in a plastic case and can only be opened at the register?)

I’ve watched multiple movies/shows where the characters had to wait 2-5 minutes for their test results. THAT IS ALL LIES AND EXAGGERATION. It took ClearBlue 2 seconds to tell me I was pregnant.

That night I tried to go to sleep with good thoughts.

IMG_3225

The next morning I took a second test just to make sure I didn’t get a false positive. That test took no time at all to show me those two pink lines again. Now my mind is going into overdrive. It would be just my luck to find out I was pregnant after my guy-friend and I got into and argument and stopped speaking. To break the news to him I simply sent a picture of the test to him. I probably should’ve went about it differently but I was too drained to do anything else.

Time to make a decision

I tried to think of as many scenarios as I could where keeping the baby was an option. I thought of running away, I thought of adoption (for all of 60 seconds), and I thought of going home pregnant. In all of these situations I would be miserable. I knew I was in no way ready to have a baby. I also knew I could never give a baby up for adoption. Abortion was an option I never thought I’d choose but I also never thought I’d be in such a predicament.

I chose to have a pill abortion. What solidified my decision to have an abortion was the moment I saw the ultra sound. I didn’t feel anything. I knew there was life growing inside of me but I felt no attachment to it. I didn’t think “Am I making the right choice?” At that moment I saw abortion as the only choice.

I thought the pill would be easier to deal with. I was so wrong. I was six weeks pregnant when I took both pills. I opted out of filling my prescription for pain medication. Looking back, I think I was trying to punish myself for getting pregnant.

IMG_9903

The pain of the contractions were indescribable. I couldn’t talk or walk. All I could do was endure the pain silently. My roommate thought I was just having some terribly bad cramps from a clotting period. There was a moment when I tried to walk to the bathroom and before I could get 5 feet from my room I had to stop. I sat down in the middle of the hallway with my head between my legs until I could walk back to my room. The worst part of this entire experience was when I felt the embryo come out of me in the shower. I wasn’t sure what ย to do, so I flushed it.

For months after that I spent nights crying myself to sleep. I fell into a deep depression. I stopped eating and lost weight (I was already small to begin with). My nail beds turned purple, I had dark circles around my eyes, and my clothes no longer fit me.

IMG_7015

I haven’t ever encourage abortions and I still don’t but I understand the concept of choice. No matter how many precautions you take things happen and you should be able to decide if a baby is what you want or have the mental and physical capacity to withstand.

Since then I’ve been overly cautious. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex since.

Having an abortion was one of the most emotionally/physically draining experiences I have ever had but a decision I’m glad that I made. I am now happy, healthy, and making a life for myself.

IMG_6680

 

The Perfect Day

I wake up at 6 a.m to the sun shining through my ceiling to floor window in my loft-style apartment.

Industrial-loft

I eat a mango before a morning yoga session with The Breakfast Club Power 105.1 playing in the background. I eat a healthy breakfast then start my day of productivity.

I post to my blog, edit where necessary, and socialize on all of my social media platforms. By 10 a.m I am fulfilling orders, sending off packages, conducting maintenance on my business website, and ensuring customer satisfaction (I’ll inform you guys of this business soon).

1430117600604.jpg

Throughout the day I am constantly eating (good food makes me happy). Once all of my work is complete I spend the rest of the day eating, binge watching Netflix shows, having sex (the definition of Netflix and Chill), and enjoying the company of a man-friend, lady-friend, or both. I end the day knowing that everyone I love is happy and healthy.

IMG_6680

That is my Perfect Day!

Writing this brought a bit of sparkle to this gloomy day I’m having.

Unconventional Living: A woman that doesn’t want children

I was never the kid that fantasized about being married and having kids. I didn’t plan a wedding, dream of my perfect husband, or envision living in a house with a white picket fence. My fantasies were about constant traveling, living in a large loft apartment, and being around people I loved but also having a lot of alone time.

I never said things like “When I have kids….”, it was always “If I get pregnant…”. Having kids wasn’t a goal of mine. I saw it as something that was expected of me, as if there was some sort of female prophecy I had to fulfill.

450-a-complete-woman-without-wanting-a-child

As I grew older and encountered certain life experiences I began to realize that marriage and children weren’t appealing to me in the least. Babies are amazing, precious gifts but not a gift that I’d actually want.

Why? For reasons that may seem selfish

  • Children are time consuming, needy, and expensive
  • Children need a stable home, patience, and constant attention
  • I like to be alone often
  • I like my living space to be a certain way
  • I get annoyed easily by children
  • I love babies but once they grow past two years old I can’t deal
  • I love babysitting babies but I also love when I can give them back to their parents

Children aren’t a part of my near future but I know there are many people who want children and can’t have them. I’d definitely be interested in being an egg donor or surrogate. It would be my pleasure to help someone bring their child into this world (seeing others happiness makes me happy).

I just don’t see myself getting pregnant and having a child of my own. My pup Apple is my only child.

IMG_0398.JPG copy

A Woman That Hates Shopping

I am a woman and I can’t stand in-store shopping. It’s one of the most tedious tasks to partake in. I’m perfectly fine when it comes to online shopping but when it comes to stores I’m usually drained after exiting the first store.

tired16

Im this guy after one store.

On one hand, I’m very frugal so the idea of splurging my money in multiple stores doesn’t appeal to me. On top of that, shopping triggers my anxiety and causes a sensory overload.ย supermarket-paradox-of-choice

Seeing this is enough to make me beeline to the bottled water and purchase a snack at the register.

Then there’s the people part. There’s just too many people to encounter and maneuver around in stores. It just seems like there’s too much going on. Too many options, too many people, too many stores…

Any time I go shopping I go to a specific store for a specific item and if they don’t have it then that’s the end of that. I’ll plan to go to another store another day. On top of that, each store has sales associates asking if you need help which is their job but I wish there was a way to tell workers to leave you alone without having to say it.

559238_81_59885__0JyHKvzi

Online shopping is more appealing for so many reasons. No human interaction, you can control what products you see, no seemingly endless walking in and out of stores, plus everything is just a click away. Also, I know that if I place my order its something that I actually want because it takes me days to click confirm and in that time I’ve modified my cart.

Shopping with my mom is an introverts, socially anxious, and sensory overload nightmare. She will say she’s only getting one thing, so you prepare yourself for just one thing. Next thing you know you’ve been in 20 stores, carrying 10 bags, and spent an entire day in two different malls.

Family and friends know not to expect store bought gifts from me on birthdays. I have a hard time shopping for myself, so shopping for someone else is just not happening. Im a heavy DIY’er so your gift will be made with loveย ๐Ÿ˜.

Introvert problems…

I have to plan when I’m going to do something. I literally have to mentally prepare myself to do tasks the night before.

I have tasks I need to complete? I’m more likely to complete them efficiently if I’ve planned for them the night prior.

to-do-list-toolsGoing out to a club/lounge/bar every weekend? I can not! Once a month works fine for me but I must be told a few days in advance that going out to one of these places is the plan.

Then after these events I feel completely drained and need two days of solitude to recharge. I only attend these type of things because it’s what my friends like to do and I kind of like my friends.

introvert-social-hangover

Things I’d much rather do….

  • Go to an outdoor concert
  • Go out to eat
  • Go to a museum, gallery, or outdoor lounge
  • Go to a festival, outdoor market, carnival, or any outdoor event.
  • Just about anything that isn’t a combination of loud, crowded, and indoor.

0516d7fea16699323417e256025137552d88a9

It could be the result of sensory overload, anxiety, claustrophobia, and being an introvert. Since I usually don’t want to go to certain type of events (which is usually where my friends want to go) I often don’t get invited to go. Most of my days are spent at home, on my laptop.

introvert-happy-placeDoes social events drain you? Do you often want to go places but the thought of going to a club makes you go “ehhh I’ll just watch Netflix”?

 

Please Don’t Put Soap In Your Vagina

As a child I was very curious. Growing into a pubescent teenager I became even more inquisitive, one of the main topics being hygiene. I’d ask as many questions as I could think of about the human body, mainly female, and if I couldn’t get an informative answer I would google it.

Going into college I figured certain things were common knowledge because of how easily accessible information is. It wasn’t until I heard some of the horror stories people told that I realized how heavily our school systems have failed us when it comes to knowledge as basic as feminine hygiene and anatomy.

The worst thing I had someone say to me at the time was ” I don’t know why I keep getting yeast infections, I clean my vagina with soap and a rag…. I twirl the soapy rag inside my vagina.”

I tried so hard to cringe internally but the thought of how that would feel showed on my face. This was the first time I had ever heard of someone doing this but soon after I learned that many other girls did the same thing.

It was then that I realized how important it is for these type of discussions to be had. People need to know that the vagina is self cleaning, should not have soap in it, and doesn’t need internal cleaning.

If there is ever something wrong ย like discomfort, weird discharge, or smell, you should visit a doctor. Please, please, please do not put soap in your vagina.

If something burns your vagina (from a childhood experience playing slip-n-slide in the tub with soap I know it does) it does not belong. If ever you don’t know, aren’t sure, or are just curious ask someone( doctor or educator) or google it. Google is your friend (use reliable sources).

No, You Cannot Lose Your Virginity to a Tampon…

81XwcPPYzFL._SX355_

Using Disposable Pads

I feel like the first menstrual product every girl starts with is a pad. It’s seen as the safest, widely accepted menstrual product to use. For three years I was using pads, uncomfortable and annoyed for 5-7 days every month.

Pads are/were my least favorite menstrual product. I don’t like that you can feel the blood sitting against your skin or that you can feel the gush of blood when you laughed or did anything strenuous.

On top of that pads were irritating ย (itchy, sticky, and just plain uncomfortable). My go to brand was Always Infinity because the memory foam gave me the most comfort.

I wanted to try tampons but people kept telling me that virgins shouldn’t use them because you could lose your virginity to a tampon and out of naivety I believed it.

No, You Cannot Lose Your Virginity To A Tampon!

12213584_Alt01

Using Disposable Tampons

Once I started using tampons (no longer a virgin) I never looked back. I didn’t have to worry about bleeding through my clothes, vaginal discomfort, or feeling that gush of blood every time I laughed.

Now I had to worry about toxic shock syndrome but it was a risk I was willing to take and with U by Kotex holding me down I didn’t have a care in the world. For seven years tampons were my go to and it wasn’t until I ended up on the alternative side of YouTube that I found out there were so many other options.

Things like reusable/organic tampons & pads weren’t even a thought on my mind until I saw product reviews.

766b5c7e3c4713a36746d27bbe57d5b6

Using Menstrual Cups (Silicone)

After a few months of debating, I decided to give the Sckoon cup a try. This is when I started to become more familiar with the structure of my vagina.

When using a menstrual cup you need to know where your cervix sits (anteverted or retroverted), how it sits (high or low), how active your pelvicย muscles are and how heavy your flow is. ย So far I’ve tried three different cups.

The Sckoon cup size A (the size suggested for women who’ve never given birth) was too shortย and too malleable. The DivaCup cup size 1 ( suggested for women who’ve never given birth) was the right size but still too malleable.

I now use the MeLuna Sport size large. I have only used it once but the firmness works so much better for me.

After using menstrual cups for about 7 months (and not being on birth control) I have noticed that my periods are much shorter (usually 3-4 days), I have less cramping and bloating, and my irritability during my period are at an all time low.